PART AA: The stuff that usually goes in the front of a book

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This book is a collection of 70 stories -- mostly short and funny, one long and serious and funny and shocking.

They deal with my early childhood, my time in public school and college, and while working in advertising, journalism, telecommunications, and as an amateur attorney. The stories take place in New York, Connecticut and Pennsylvania.

Culture clash is a frequent theme. So is food. So is phoniness. There is a bit of sex, drugs and rock & roll. There are four murders.

The main title is a quote from one of my teachers, who appears in Chapter 3. She was nuts.

Why I wrote this

In 1963, when my favorite teacher asked what I most wanted to get out of school, I quickly answered “ME!” I had a few wonderful teachers, but my strongest memories are of the bad ones and the nutty ones. Some were amusingly inept, but others hurt.

In the 1950s and 60s, there was no notion of “student rights,” and no place a kid could go for help. Principals were unapproachable. Guidance counselors said “don’t make trouble.” Parents insisted that teachers should never be questioned or criticized. As far back as sixth grade, I pledged that some day I would tell the world what my parents refused to listen to, so here it is. 

As I've gotten older, though, I'm a lot less bitter. I survived. And so did most of my classmates. Now we can laugh about what used to make kids cry. We've outlived the bad teachers. Newer teachers are better; and there are procedures in place to prevent what happened before, from happening again. So read this for fun, not as a warning.

I'm much happier in 2008 than I was in 1958, or 1962 (but 1966 was amazing!). Looking back, I think I've had more good times than bad times, both in school and at work, so I'm not complaining.

There are some good stories here; so read, smile, laugh, enjoy. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Autobiographies usually start at the beginning, and progress in chronological order. This is not an autobiography. It's a memoir, intended to be entertaining, not history. I'm over 60. I can't remember events in the exact sequence they happened, but it shouldn't make much difference.

• I hereby guarantee that at least 90% of what I've written here is true. That's a better guarantee than you get from Wikipedia or most menus.
• I changed a few names.

• Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist and author, and the funniest writer I know of. He is so funny, that I had to stop reading his column because I got so jealous. Dave used a picture of my dog in one of his books. It's called Dave Barry's Money Secrets. Here's a Dave Barry money secret: Dave didn't pay me any money for the picture, but I did get a few free books. I'll let him read my book for free.
• Jean Shepherd (1921 - 1999) was a radio and TV raconteur, and he probably ties with Mark Twain for story-telling ability. Shep's books include In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash, Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories, and A Fistful of Fig Newtons. Twain was a great writer, but Shep was funnier.
• Jack Douglas (1908 - 1989) was an Emmy Award-winning comedy writer on The Jack Paar Show, The George Gobel Show, Laugh-In and other shows. I remember him most for his book titles, which include My Brother Was an Only Child and Never Trust a Naked Bus Driver.
• Michael Solomon and David Hirshey, who edited and did the headlines for the annual Esquire magazine "dubious achievements" awards.

Thanks to all of them for the stimulation.